Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.

Fear

Fear is an evil thing. It can control your every action, your every move of the day. It can block you from experiencing new things, or learning others. But it spreads all over your body and freezes you, not letting you do what you had actually planned. It’s like a controll-freak, taking over yourself. Fear of a certain place is known to me right now. I really should go there, it is infact really necessary for my future, but I just can’t. Body slightly trembling, mind blocked. But what do I have to lose? Nothing, really, I guess. How can it be stronger than my own will? And what comes more, I used to be at this placce every day for a very long time. Mostly every day, meeting the same people, feeling safe and almost at home there. And now I am frightened? I know the reasons of course, there are two. A person I am enxious to meet again and the place itself, being what it is – prepairing me for my future, which is essential of course. When will I find the strength again to override this fear and become the person I was a few months ago, feeling free to spend time there, start studying again and taking care of the most important thing in my life? I am scared…. And I could cry over myself… I’even letting down nice people who trust in me… I am ruining everything. I guess I am just not stong enough…

DEADWOOD – II

DEADWOOD

It’s a Western Drama Television Series, created, and almost entirely written by David Milch. It is set in the 1879s in Deadwood, South Dakota. First it’s only a camp with no law and order – everybody lives only for themselves. It starts of with Seth Bullock coming to Deadwood, quitting his old job as a Marshal in Montana and starting a hardware store with his partner Sol Star. He befriends with Wild Bill Hickok, the famous gunfighter and poker player, who dies, unfortunately, only a few episodes later.

Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant) is a very good man, intersted in the life of other people. His appearance is always very powerful, I don’t think he blinks only once He has a close friendship with his partner, Sol Star and soon becomes the sheriff of Deadwood, which I really like, couldn’t imagine a better person in this camp.

Another main character is Al Swearengen (Ian McShane), who owns the Gem, a saloon and brothel. He is a very funny, self confident and brutal man, who plays a nice role, I’m always enjoying. My favourite quotes of the series are most of the time his sayings, filled with irony, amusement and scorn for others. Al is cunning, manipulative and initially appears to be the most cynically amoral of all the characters, showing no hesitation in resorting to violence and murder when it serves his business interests. Swearengen’s central goal is to retain his own business interests in Deadwood and keep the camp stable and secure in order to get the territory annexed by the United States. While his alliances are often pragmatic and self-serving, Swearengen does show great loyalty to allies such as Mr. Wu. He displays an almost paternalistic (though often abusive) affection for his three main henchmen, Dan Dority, Johnny Burns, and Silas Adams. I just love to see him, even though he has so many bad aspects and characteristics, he is always entertaining me.

Calamity Jane (Robin Weigert). My very favorite character I just love this woman, she is so adorable. Known for her hard drinking and swearing, Jane is truculent and abrasive upon first impression, but her character has a loopy humor and an upright moral center that grows on people in the camp. Hard on the outside, always drunk, swearing the whole time – but lovely and caring on the inside. She was one of Wild Bills friends. After Hickok’s murder, she sinks even deeper into severe depression and alcoholism. She almost brakes at the loss of her friend.

Update

As I just read over my very first entry I recognized that I had said, I ‘d keep up more about events that happen during this year.

Movies

Shutter Island:

It was awesome!!! If you don’t know anything about the film, the surpise and turn of events will paralyze you at the end. Loved it. Leo starts to become another acter for me, than he always was – Titanic, Romeo & Juliette is sooo pre 2010

Inception:

Saw it a lot later, but again, Leo rockt big time. Just like Shutter Island, he became a serious acter for me, who plays mature roles in intelligent movies. I liked the way you always had to keep up and pay attention. Nothing for watching only periphally. The slow motion scenes were amazing, one minute became 10 and those other 10 became an hour. Loved it throughout. Does it stumble at the end? I think so…

Eclipse:

Amazing. Saw it two times and was so surprised in a very positive way. The stuck to the book and transfered the pictures and moments really good to the screen.

The picture of Dorian Gray:

Bought the book again, after I saw it. Althought I have read it earlier, I didn’t remember a lot and thought I had to reread it, to check if it was realy alike. I differs in a few ways, but the main acter is just lovely So beautiful. His arrogance was portayed  wonderful and the costumes were brilliant. Love the fashion from that episode, every man looks good in a long coat and top hat

Avatar:

Ah, what a movie. No words to describe it. So much love and life and being with nature. How they all are part of each other and respect the world around  them – belong with it and build up the way of life. Its just wonderful to watch, especially on big screen. Just for this movie were big flat screen TVs made. I love the movie and want to see it again and again. Only for this movie, I really want to own one myself soon To be able to watch it, and really see all the wonderful and amazing details. The flowers and animals, the gestures. The whole nature is just wonderul and I wish I could live there myself.

Nothing big happened besides that. Everything else is still in shape. Friends are mostly still the same. A few left, a few came. Sad it is, but thats life and I have to take it the way I am. My post “People always leave” expresses it pretty good for myself. Life is what it is. If you don’t like whats happening you can try to change it, but sometimes you just can’t. And then, you have to go with it. Why? B/c you have no choice. It goes on and on, with or without you. The next day will come. And the day after and so forth. And you can only swim with the way it is and try what you can. It’s only about giving your best and trying. Everyday is another oprtunity and you have to do, what you gotta do.

Metric, what an amazing band

I first recognized the band from a friend, who saw it in the series “Vampire Diaries“. Both awesome, like the song and the series now

Metric – Help, I’m alive!  What an awesome song, I’m just loving it!!!!

Memorable Deadwood Quotes

I discovered a new series – DEADWOOD!!!

Not only is the story very interesting and so different from any other series I know, but the language and sayings are so very funny, clever and entertaining, that I am thrilled. Here are my most loved quotes, displayed by the people living in Deadwood. My favorite character is “Calamity Jane” – she is drunk most of the time – and als very very funny in this state – but so lovely on the inside. Very amusing and loving woman. Besides her is the hardware shop owner Seth Bullock, who is just wonderful. Al Swearengen, the Gem Saloon keeper is awesome just as well. And there are a whole lot other, who make the series one of my favorite ones.

Jack McCall: Should we shake hands or something, relieve the atmosphere? I mean how stupid do you think I am?

Bill Hickok: I don’t know, I just met you.

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• E.B.: Separate rooms, I’ll arrange that by tomorrow, but today I can’t fix it, unless you kill a guest.

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• Al Swearengen: Welcome to fucking Deadwood.

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• E.B.: Lying? I?

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Al Swearengen: Well, I guess when it starts pissin’ rain in here, you know who to blame, huh? Now, I know word’s circulatin’ Indians killed a family on the Spearfish Road. Now it’s not for me to tell anyone in this camp what to do, as much as I don’t want more people gettin’ their throats cut, scalps lifted or any other godless thing that these godless bloodthirsty heathens do. Or even if someone wants to ride out in darkest night. But I will tell you this. I’d use tonight to get myself organized. Ride out in the morning clear-headed. And startin’ tomorrow morning, I will offer a personal $50 bounty for every decapitated head of as many of these godless heathen cocksuckers as anyone can bring in. Tomorrow. With no upper limit! That’s all I say on that subject, ‘cept next round’s on the house. And God rest the souls of that poor family. And pussy’s half price, next 15 minutes.

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Al Swearengen: Let her go; she ain’t taking any business with her. And don’t forget to kill Tim.

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Al Swearengen: I’d rather try touching the moon than take on a whore’s thinking.Doc Cochran: I take it you’ve been out on a hoot?Calamity Jane: I’ve been drunk awhile; correct. What the fuck is that to you?Doc Cochran: The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I’d ask ya how the farming was going.

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• Calamity Jane: I’m calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn’t try to stop me.
• E.B.: Be brief!
• Calamity Jane: Be fucked!
• E.B.: Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.

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Rider: God bless you, Mr. Swearengen.
Al Swearengen: Well, not likely. But my short-term prospects have just improved.

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• Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don`t end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings.
• The world ends when you´re dead.
• Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man… and give some back!

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• Calamity Jane: Maybe I will have a fuckin drink, for sociabilitys sake and cause I’m fuckin drunk.
• Joanie Stubbs: Whats your preference?
• Calamity Jane: That it ain’t been previously swalloed.

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• Al Swearengen: What’s your name, it’s Jack, ain’t it?
• Jack McCall: Yes, sir! You buy me a drink, I’ll make my mark.
• Al Swearengen: Stick around camp, Jack- I’ll make mine for you.
• Jack McCall: What in the hell is that supposed to mean?
• Al Swearengen: Means there’s a horse waiting for you outside you’ll want to get on before somebody murders you who gives a fuck about right and wrong- or I do.
• [Jack stares, dumbfounded]
• Al Swearengen: It’s the paint, Jack. Right outside my joint.
• [whispering]
• Al Swearengen: Run for your fucking life.

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Cy Tolliver: Sayin’ questions in that tone and pointin’ your finger at me will get you told to fuck yourself.

People always leave

People always leave. I think its another memorable quote.

Friends hurt you. Not because they just hurt you, but because they`re your friends. And everything they do hurts a thousand times more. Friends make you vulnerable. All the millions of people around the world don`t matter to me and can say what they want. They can`t hurt me, their opinions don`t mean anything to me. But when a friend does the same thing, it feels like your heart is ripped out. You thought they would always hold your back, stand up for you and don`t talk behind your back. But then? If they do?

You fall apart.

The pretty picture you were trying to uphold crumbles.  All your values are broken. How could you not have seen or expected that? Because you trusted in them. Because you cared and believed in the friendship you had. People always leave. But sometimes they do come back, right? But then? Is it ever going to be the same, or has your sight of things changed? The pretty picture been mended? Or are still cracks upon the otherwise smooth surface, always reminding you about the past? I think for me, it is this way. Of course it all depends on the events that had happend. If everything has been in question, if  the disappointement is so destructing that you cannot forget it, then the picture will always hold broken monuments and mended pieces. You will always feel them and be remindet of them. So, therefore, it can never be the same anymore. Of course, you can try and repair everything possible, give your best and try, but the feeling of mistrust is still inside. By the smallest happening, the samllest misunderstanding or discrepancy, you get reminded of the past times, of the broken pieces, the softly placed band-aids, now loosing hold. You will always know the reactions those specific people are capable of vividly and what the consequences could be and were.. Because a second mending will probably not be possible. You can try – again – to overlook the earlier wounds, but if they are ripped open another time, bleeding ceaselessly? I don`t  know. Maybe the faith in one or two friendships is able to cope with this, maybe you will do anything to hold on to it, possibly destroy yourself to keep it alife. Maybe, the person is too important to lose. But is he?

And why do people leave in the first place? Is it because of me? Am I doing so many mistakes? Why do they hurt someone they care about? Why should they even risk this? Yes, risk are there to take. Risks can make your life intersting. You can risk a lot. You can risk to lose your own life. But giving your life is your very own decision and doesn`t affect other people (of course, but in another way). You are not hurting somebody else directly by doing it. But if somebody else is drawn into your actions, you have to think about them as well as about yourself. You have some kind of responsibility. If you hurt them, it is your fault. If you do something it can affect the both of you. It can affect the things you had and may lose forever. So, that hurts another person, not only yourself, which makes the things worse.

The perfect situation would be to never let somebody come to close to your heart. Never make yourself vulnerable, attackable. So, in this case, you would never get hurt, right? Nobody would mean so much to you, that thheir actions would affect you. But what would the world be then? If you don`t care about anybody, could you be happy? If you don`t feel anything, don’t completely trust anybody, could life be livable? Nothing would be really bad, but nothing would be good as well. If you never get hurt, you can`t appreciate the good things. And of course, you can`t be good yourself. And if you would have friends in that case, they would never be real friends. If you don`t let them close enough to you, they`d do the same thing. You`d never get under the surface of them, never really get to know them precisely. Only shallow. And does that make your life better? It certainly makes existence bearable… But that can`t be it, right? People can`t act like that. There is no light without shadow. And no shadow withoug light. And if there’d be no shadow, would we really appreciate the light? There will always be someone who reaches deeper into your soul, who doesn`t gve up until he is under the hard surface, the wall you built up. And then, you get vulnerable again. And you open up. Give yourself to that person. Let yourself be taken. With the only hope, that this human being is different from the rest of the world.

Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won`t. You never know.

But not letting yourself fall, would never give you the pleasure of experiencing the beautiful things in life. Because that`s what makes life so beautiful. You can always stand by yourself, fight for your own, be with only yourself and don`t care about the rest of humanity. But you would miss then everything. The fun, the love, the trust, the beauty of other peoples souls. The interesting ways to experience life with somebody else. To care and to be taken cared of, to be really interested in. To share thoughts and memories. To live.

Otherwise there is nothing. Nothing worth living for.

Affection, Love, Friendship, Trust. What more is there. So you fight. For those things, you fight and almost give up yourself. But it`s worth it in the end.

Memorable Fight Club Quotes

Lou: [Lou hits Tyler in the face] Do you hear me now?
Tyler Durden: No, I didn’t quite catch that, Lou.
[Lou hits Tyler again]
Tyler Durden: Still not getting it.
[Lou hits Tyler a few more times]
Tyler Durden: Ok, I got it. Shit, I lost it.
[Lou continues to beat up Tyler]

Tyler Durden: Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We are God’s unwanted children? So be it!

Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.

Tyler Durden: It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.

Tyler Durden: You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Narrator: If I did have a tumor, I’d name it Marla.

Narrator: Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit. Shampoo-conditioner combos, sample-packaged mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on each flight? They’re single-serving friends.

Richard Chesler: [Reading a piece of paper] The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club?
Narrator: [Voice-over] I’m half asleep again; I must’ve left the original in the copy machine.
Richard Chesler: The second rule of Fight Club – is this yours?
Narrator: Huh?
Richard Chesler: Pretend you’re me, make a managerial decision: you find this, what would you do?
Narrator: [pauses] Well, I gotta tell you: I’d be very, very careful who you talk to about that, because the person who wrote that… is dangerous.
[Gets up from the chair]
Narrator: [Talking slowly] And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you’ve known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Narrator: [Voice-over] Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth.
[Snatches the piece of paper from boss' hands]
Narrator: [Voice-over] And I used to be such a nice guy.
Narrator: Or maybe you shouldn’t bring me every little piece of trash you happen to pick up.
[Phone rings]
Narrator: [Into phone] Compliance and Liability…?
Marla Singer: My tit’s gonna rot off.
Narrator: [to boss] Would you excuse me? I need to take this.

Narrator: You’re insane.
Tyler Durden: No, you’re insane.

Narrator: It’s just, when you buy furniture, you tell yourself, that’s it. That’s the last sofa I’m gonna need. Whatever else happens, I’ve got that sofa problem handled.

Tyler Durden: [the Narrator is trying to disarm a car bomb of nitroglycerin] You don’t know which wire to pull.
Narrator: I know everything you do, so if you know I know.
Tyler Durden: Or maybe, since I knew you’d know I spent all days thinking about the wrong wires.

Narrator: “Everything is a copy, of a copy of a copy”

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Beautiful Quotes

Ja: – wer soll denn lesen, was ich in diese Hefte schreibe! Und doch, glaube ich, gibt es kein Schreiben ohne die Vorstellung, dass jemand es lese, und wäre dieser jemand nur der Schreiber selbst. Dann frage ich mich auch: kann man schreiben ohne eine Rolle zu spielen? Man will sich selbst ein fremder sein. Nicht in der Rolle, wohl aber in der unbewussten Entscheidung , welche Art von Rolle ich mir zuschreibe, liegt meine Wirklichkeit. Zuweilen habe ich das Gefühl, man gehe aus dem Geschriebenen hervor wie eine Schlange aus ihrer Haut. Das ist es; man kann sich nicht niederschreiben, man kann sich nur häuten! Die immer wieder einmal auftauchende Frage, ob denn der Leser jemals etwas anderes zu lesen vermöge als sich selbst, erübrigt sich: Schreiben ist nicht Kommunikation mit Lesern, auch nicht Kommunikation mit sich selbst, sondern Kommunikation mit dem Unaussprechlichen. Je genauer man sich auszusprechen vermöchte, um so reiner erschiene das Unaussprechliche, das heißt die Wirklichkeit, die den Schreiber bedrängt und bewegt. Wir haben die Sprache um stumm zu werden. Wer schweigt, ist nicht stumm. Wer schweigt, hat nicht einmal eine Ahnung, wer er nicht ist.

(Max Frisch – Stiller)

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Es war einmal eine Insel, wo alle verschiedenen Gefühle lebten. Das Glück, die Traurigkeit, das Wissen und all die anderen, die Liebe natürlich auch. Eines Tages meldete das Schicksal den Gefühlen, dass die Insel untergehen wird. So bereiteten sie ihre Schiffe und verliessen die Insel. Nur die Liebe wollte bis zum letzten Moment bleiben.

Als es fast zu spät war und die Insel unterging, rief sie um Hilfe. Der Reichtum war in der Nähe mit einem Luxusschiff. Die Liebe fragte ihn: “Reichtum, kannst du mir helfen? – Nein, weil ich zu viel Geld und Gold auf meinem Schiff habe, so ist für dich kein Platz hier!”

Die Liebe fragte sodann den Hochmut um Hilfe, der auch mit seinem wunderschönen Boot vorbeifuhr. “Ich kann dir nicht helfen, du bist ganz nass und könntest mein Schiff beschmutzen!”

Als die Traurigkeit nicht weit vorbeisegelte, fragte die Liebe: “Traurigkeit, lass mich mit dir gehen. -Oooh… Liebe, ich bin so traurig, ich möchte besser alleine bleiben.”

Das Glück ist auch weitergefahren. Es war soo glücklich, dass es die Liebe nicht hörte….

Und plötzlich hörte die Liebe eine Stimme: “Komm, komm doch, ich nehme dich mit!” Da war ein alter Mann, der gesprochen hatte. Die Liebe war so glücklich, so zufrieden, dass sie nicht nach seinem Namen gefragt hat. Als beide wieder festen Boden unter den Füssen hatten und gerettet waren, ging der Alte weg. Die Liebe merkte, wie viel sie dem Alten schuldete, der aber war schon fort. Sie fragte daraufhin das Wissen: “Wer hat mich gerettet, wer hat mir geholfen?” “Das war die ZEIT” – antwortete das Wissen. “Die Zeit?!?” fragte die Liebe, “aber warum hat mich die Zeit gerettet?” Das Wissen lächelte weise und geheimnisvoll und antwortete ihr: “WEIL NUR DIE ZEIT VERSTEHEN KANN, WIE WICHTIG DIE LIEBE IM LEBEN IST” … .. .

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*Everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they are right. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.*

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