Fear

Fear is an evil thing. It can control your every action, your every move of the day. It can block you from experiencing new things, or learning others. But it spreads all over your body and freezes you, not letting you do what you had actually planned. It’s like a controll-freak, taking over yourself. Fear of a certain place is known to me right now. I really should go there, it is infact really necessary for my future, but I just can’t. Body slightly trembling, mind blocked. But what do I have to lose? Nothing, really, I guess. How can it be stronger than my own will? And what comes more, I used to be at this placce every day for a very long time. Mostly every day, meeting the same people, feeling safe and almost at home there. And now I am frightened? I know the reasons of course, there are two. A person I am enxious to meet again and the place itself, being what it is – prepairing me for my future, which is essential of course. When will I find the strength again to override this fear and become the person I was a few months ago, feeling free to spend time there, start studying again and taking care of the most important thing in my life? I am scared…. And I could cry over myself… I’even letting down nice people who trust in me… I am ruining everything. I guess I am just not stong enough…

DEADWOOD – II

DEADWOOD

It’s a Western Drama Television Series, created, and almost entirely written by David Milch. It is set in the 1879s in Deadwood, South Dakota. First it’s only a camp with no law and order – everybody lives only for themselves. It starts of with Seth Bullock coming to Deadwood, quitting his old job as a Marshal in Montana and starting a hardware store with his partner Sol Star. He befriends with Wild Bill Hickok, the famous gunfighter and poker player, who dies, unfortunately, only a few episodes later.

Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant) is a very good man, intersted in the life of other people. His appearance is always very powerful, I don’t think he blinks only once He has a close friendship with his partner, Sol Star and soon becomes the sheriff of Deadwood, which I really like, couldn’t imagine a better person in this camp.

Another main character is Al Swearengen (Ian McShane), who owns the Gem, a saloon and brothel. He is a very funny, self confident and brutal man, who plays a nice role, I’m always enjoying. My favourite quotes of the series are most of the time his sayings, filled with irony, amusement and scorn for others. Al is cunning, manipulative and initially appears to be the most cynically amoral of all the characters, showing no hesitation in resorting to violence and murder when it serves his business interests. Swearengen’s central goal is to retain his own business interests in Deadwood and keep the camp stable and secure in order to get the territory annexed by the United States. While his alliances are often pragmatic and self-serving, Swearengen does show great loyalty to allies such as Mr. Wu. He displays an almost paternalistic (though often abusive) affection for his three main henchmen, Dan Dority, Johnny Burns, and Silas Adams. I just love to see him, even though he has so many bad aspects and characteristics, he is always entertaining me.

Calamity Jane (Robin Weigert). My very favorite character I just love this woman, she is so adorable. Known for her hard drinking and swearing, Jane is truculent and abrasive upon first impression, but her character has a loopy humor and an upright moral center that grows on people in the camp. Hard on the outside, always drunk, swearing the whole time – but lovely and caring on the inside. She was one of Wild Bills friends. After Hickok’s murder, she sinks even deeper into severe depression and alcoholism. She almost brakes at the loss of her friend.

Update

As I just read over my very first entry I recognized that I had said, I ‘d keep up more about events that happen during this year.

Movies

Shutter Island:

It was awesome!!! If you don’t know anything about the film, the surpise and turn of events will paralyze you at the end. Loved it. Leo starts to become another acter for me, than he always was – Titanic, Romeo & Juliette is sooo pre 2010

Inception:

Saw it a lot later, but again, Leo rockt big time. Just like Shutter Island, he became a serious acter for me, who plays mature roles in intelligent movies. I liked the way you always had to keep up and pay attention. Nothing for watching only periphally. The slow motion scenes were amazing, one minute became 10 and those other 10 became an hour. Loved it throughout. Does it stumble at the end? I think so…

Eclipse:

Amazing. Saw it two times and was so surprised in a very positive way. The stuck to the book and transfered the pictures and moments really good to the screen.

The picture of Dorian Gray:

Bought the book again, after I saw it. Althought I have read it earlier, I didn’t remember a lot and thought I had to reread it, to check if it was realy alike. I differs in a few ways, but the main acter is just lovely So beautiful. His arrogance was portayed  wonderful and the costumes were brilliant. Love the fashion from that episode, every man looks good in a long coat and top hat

Avatar:

Ah, what a movie. No words to describe it. So much love and life and being with nature. How they all are part of each other and respect the world around  them – belong with it and build up the way of life. Its just wonderful to watch, especially on big screen. Just for this movie were big flat screen TVs made. I love the movie and want to see it again and again. Only for this movie, I really want to own one myself soon To be able to watch it, and really see all the wonderful and amazing details. The flowers and animals, the gestures. The whole nature is just wonderul and I wish I could live there myself.

Nothing big happened besides that. Everything else is still in shape. Friends are mostly still the same. A few left, a few came. Sad it is, but thats life and I have to take it the way I am. My post “People always leave” expresses it pretty good for myself. Life is what it is. If you don’t like whats happening you can try to change it, but sometimes you just can’t. And then, you have to go with it. Why? B/c you have no choice. It goes on and on, with or without you. The next day will come. And the day after and so forth. And you can only swim with the way it is and try what you can. It’s only about giving your best and trying. Everyday is another oprtunity and you have to do, what you gotta do.

Metric, what an amazing band

I first recognized the band from a friend, who saw it in the series “Vampire Diaries“. Both awesome, like the song and the series now

Metric – Help, I’m alive!  What an awesome song, I’m just loving it!!!!

Memorable Deadwood Quotes

I discovered a new series – DEADWOOD!!!

Not only is the story very interesting and so different from any other series I know, but the language and sayings are so very funny, clever and entertaining, that I am thrilled. Here are my most loved quotes, displayed by the people living in Deadwood. My favorite character is “Calamity Jane” – she is drunk most of the time – and als very very funny in this state – but so lovely on the inside. Very amusing and loving woman. Besides her is the hardware shop owner Seth Bullock, who is just wonderful. Al Swearengen, the Gem Saloon keeper is awesome just as well. And there are a whole lot other, who make the series one of my favorite ones.

Jack McCall: Should we shake hands or something, relieve the atmosphere? I mean how stupid do you think I am?

Bill Hickok: I don’t know, I just met you.

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• E.B.: Separate rooms, I’ll arrange that by tomorrow, but today I can’t fix it, unless you kill a guest.

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• Al Swearengen: Welcome to fucking Deadwood.

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• E.B.: Lying? I?

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Al Swearengen: Well, I guess when it starts pissin’ rain in here, you know who to blame, huh? Now, I know word’s circulatin’ Indians killed a family on the Spearfish Road. Now it’s not for me to tell anyone in this camp what to do, as much as I don’t want more people gettin’ their throats cut, scalps lifted or any other godless thing that these godless bloodthirsty heathens do. Or even if someone wants to ride out in darkest night. But I will tell you this. I’d use tonight to get myself organized. Ride out in the morning clear-headed. And startin’ tomorrow morning, I will offer a personal $50 bounty for every decapitated head of as many of these godless heathen cocksuckers as anyone can bring in. Tomorrow. With no upper limit! That’s all I say on that subject, ‘cept next round’s on the house. And God rest the souls of that poor family. And pussy’s half price, next 15 minutes.

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Al Swearengen: Let her go; she ain’t taking any business with her. And don’t forget to kill Tim.

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Al Swearengen: I’d rather try touching the moon than take on a whore’s thinking.Doc Cochran: I take it you’ve been out on a hoot?Calamity Jane: I’ve been drunk awhile; correct. What the fuck is that to you?Doc Cochran: The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I’d ask ya how the farming was going.

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• Calamity Jane: I’m calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn’t try to stop me.
• E.B.: Be brief!
• Calamity Jane: Be fucked!
• E.B.: Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.

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Rider: God bless you, Mr. Swearengen.
Al Swearengen: Well, not likely. But my short-term prospects have just improved.

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• Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don`t end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings.
• The world ends when you´re dead.
• Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man… and give some back!

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• Calamity Jane: Maybe I will have a fuckin drink, for sociabilitys sake and cause I’m fuckin drunk.
• Joanie Stubbs: Whats your preference?
• Calamity Jane: That it ain’t been previously swalloed.

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• Al Swearengen: What’s your name, it’s Jack, ain’t it?
• Jack McCall: Yes, sir! You buy me a drink, I’ll make my mark.
• Al Swearengen: Stick around camp, Jack- I’ll make mine for you.
• Jack McCall: What in the hell is that supposed to mean?
• Al Swearengen: Means there’s a horse waiting for you outside you’ll want to get on before somebody murders you who gives a fuck about right and wrong- or I do.
• [Jack stares, dumbfounded]
• Al Swearengen: It’s the paint, Jack. Right outside my joint.
• [whispering]
• Al Swearengen: Run for your fucking life.

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Cy Tolliver: Sayin’ questions in that tone and pointin’ your finger at me will get you told to fuck yourself.